Loosing Control

You can seemingly be on top of life one moment barreling through tasks and in the next instant you are completely beat down, in bed by eight when there is still a glimmer of daylight shining through your window. This has been my experience the past week with the continual lesson in control.

It's quite possible I'll never learn or respect there are an infinite number of issues in life beyond my control. During my bedridden evenings I pondered solutions to the problem of being under the weather, free of medication. If I can't control the illness can I at least know when it's coming? I have decided in the realm of reality there are no great options over and above toughing out both the timing and sickness.

It wasn't convenient for my schedule to be sick when the weather here in the South is gorgeous--spring flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, the sun is shining--and I had activities planned in nature.

When I left Clemson after work on Friday feeling far less than healthy I did not expect my status to rapidly decrease. My attempt to take control of situation, figuring I of all people was better than any severe cold could be I interrupted not only my plans but others as well. I did not know that simply 'being' somewhere is not 'doing' somewhere. Trips to the swamp and Clemson Extension were far less appreciated because of my refusal to give-in to my condition, instead simply relaxing in the company of friends.

I was not prepared to battle through three long days of work with extra children due to their own illnesses and spring break holidays. Having a job with a paycheck temporarily lost its appeal.

I did not know reading, watching the television, or even talking on the phone would make me dizzy--catching up on shows or investing energy into March Madness was out despite being forced indoors. Beyond my confidence in picking Kansas as the 2011 National Champions I'm not even sure they won on Sunday night. I managed to pull it together enough to squeeze in a few important calls in order to keep me strong while driving, other than that I have been basically unplugged.

I was unaware my appetite would vanish for six days (and possibly more), meaning for the first time in my life Granny Smith apples looked unappealing. The normal four to six servings of fruits I consume was off considering the mere sight of food is still making me nauseous. The goal tonight: eat, savor, and hold down Moe's and/or Spill the Beans with little J.

And to think I consider myself a flexibly controlling person... clearly I still have lots of growing to do in this department.