September 27, 2011

The day for follow-up had (finally!) come; I proactively made the first of what would become several additional phone calls. Had everything gone according to plan, none of these phone calls would have been necessary. For all intents and purposes, I patiently waited the entire 10-week processing time prior to follow-up. Shame on me for being fooled twice.

My copious notes recall the first phone like this:

Automated Voice gives a grandiose introduction and continues with a multitude of options. "Press one for _____, two for _____, three for _____, ....., twelve for ____." My question most definitely required a teller for an answer... and teller was not option one, seven, nine, or 12. After careful instruction from Automated Voice, experience with _____ has taught me there is no cutting in line. I listened to all twelve options and punched a number at random because, again, the take-me-to-teller-now button was nonexistent. The number eight, my random choice, gave me eight more to chose from--still no teller. This time, selecting the most appropriate choice, 13 options followed. The 'select superior option' method was repeated. This is when I almost hung up...

but persevered because today was about being proactive(!!!). And, thank goodness I did--option six was getting me somewhere... that is, to nine more choices. Applying my successful line of thinking I picked number four to guide me through minute 17 of my time with Automated Voice. I'm partial to the number four; it rarely lets me down. Sound effect. The words "service representative" were listed. Hope. Light. An end! I was checked-out (understatement of the year) and missed the number though. SOOOO all seven options were read again--my prayers were with the Service Lady behind number five.

If you are ever dealing with _____ and you want to speak directly to Service Lady. The code is eight-three-six-four-five. Write it down; you'll be glad you did.

You're completely lost. You do not even know what I'm talking about. Two. 14. Six. Three. Seven. Yes, favorite numbers.

Not. Being. Funny. Trying desperately, maybe?

Service Lady tells me all the paperwork has been received but not processed. Hmmm, 10 weeks for processing... wasted. Yes. Okay. No. My organization needs to complete the remaining two pages of the document. Long, awkward, speech-composing pause. "Ummm, like, could you contact them? You see, like, they are over me and this might be more efficient if you touched base with them? Like, I really do not enjoy communicating with them, and you're could be the third party solution to the ongoing saga. You could do this great big favor, be rewarded by the heavens, for doing this. This is the difference between me and my next ulcer. Help a sister out. There would be extra please and thank you and everything, from now until forever if you took a step to prevent me from hating life more than I already do. Pleeeeeeease!"

I actually said all those words in an equally desperate tone. The conversation was recorded. You can request it from _____. She hung up on me. I hit a low point. I can forgive her for thinking I had lost my marbles... but hanging up! Not acceptable.

I grew up and called headquarters. Bless Jane Doe on the other end of the line for answering her phone.  Ms. Doe confirmed my worst fear--this isn't over.

This conversation lead me to another call with _____. When I had to call back, Automated Voice and I only exchanged words a total of four minutes before I was back with the endearing Service Lady. This time, before hanging up, she directed me to the next level of help--unable to answer my original question. See folks, I am better than Automated Voice. Next Level did not answer my phone call or call me back within four hours, which is greater than the extent of my patience.

HQ suggested I re-fill-out the 40 page packet, fax it to them from the office I don't work in because I'm still unemployed; they will take it from there.

And then they will request I give them 10 weeks to process. And I will not. I will call daily to ensure paperwork is being moved along. In the midst of yakking with Service Lady and chatting with Jane Doe there was much revealed. The paperwork, my end perfectly filled out, has been sitting incomplete at _____ since the 17th of July. During the processing period ZERO people called to tell me there was a missing component in the file. This is after additional paperwork was submitted a month later.

This is a serious case of my being ill-informed. This is a serious case of my having faith in humanity. This is a serious case of an awesome day.

In the midst of all this... it rained for the the 100th day in September. Figure that math.

And the Braves are lost by six to the Phillies.

This is my life. It is not a sitcom.