From the Trenches

Turning over opening lines to write, I needed a catalyst, though, something to push me to put at least some of these thoughts on paper. Today, just now actually, three letters came in the mail, early September letters.

A bad day becomes a difficult week and before I know it, I'm knee deep in the midst of a difficult season. Turn this reoccurring pattern off, someone, now. The third, as far as I could control, was not going to be a rough day, and, for the record, it was not. The fourth and fifth and most everyday after have been.

Thursday, September 8, I took a trip to New York, New York to visit a friend. Tuesday, September 13, on my return trip I visited the dark place, the very dark place. I have not been there in awhile; honestly, it was, predictably, a long time coming. Repressing emotions--the continual lesson I'm learning--is never the solution. In my defense, there are plenty of points I am unaware emotions are even being repressed because there does not seem to be anything pressing worth mentioning.

Treading lightly, I tried to remain the strong person I have the potential to be. Over being down and upset and lost this seemed a dangerous plan--at wits' end, I'm completely out of other options. Though writing has been most therapeutic I have strayed away from fingers to keyboard lately since everything I have to say is either negative or depressing... or both. And if I had one magic wish, all the hurt and dark memories would be erased from my slate.

In my search, my longing for the next phase, I have endured real life. Real life that is hard. Real life that is frequently messy. From feeling way behind in trivial to-dos, like responding to emails and phone calls, to big life progress, like having zero work experience at 24. I am getting close to nine hours of sleep at night and still desiring an afternoon nap. My appetite is erratic--living off coffee and bagels, followed by cravings for only peppers and Oreos. I spend a morning job-hunting... and the next thing I know I'm on bed-rest with a migraine. This has been September 2011.

I am at fault... but the weather could be at partial fault. A few spotty hours of sun with mainly overcast skies replaced six constant days of rain. There is a new crispness to the air, one I simply can't get enough of, but the days are shorter and there has not been any sunshine to fill the fresh air.

I want to be in a moment where memories are made right smack in the middles of the imperfections of today. I miss good attitudes, contagious smiles, and enjoying the company of others. I want a slap in the face kind of reminder of the joy there is in life. I don't want perfect, I don't need prefect. I want ease and pleasure in simple things. Something that can't take away the fact I am in control of today.