Gratitude and Guilt

Guilt has been weighing me down lately. The next three post are going to be about all my guilt... hopefully writing will lift things off my chest a tad!

One of my biggest sources of guilt lately comes from the amount of time and money my parents (and others) have spent helping me prepare for Lesotho. You might say, they are you parents ... it's their job. I hear you. Yet every time my parents hand their debit card to the cashier I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Why are they able to afford this? Why am I so lucky? Guilt, guilt, guilt. I am a college graduate although they are still co-owners of my bank account (required by the Peace Corp), I am covered on their health insurance until the day I leave, and they have let me inhabit their house for an extended stay. Instead of accepting a high paying job I am off on a high paying experience. It seems selfish.

Part of me thinks I should not feel guilty and accept the they are your parents excuse. I have definitely spent my fair share of money buying things I will probably be able to get for a fourth of the price in Lesotho and investing in items I definitely won't be able to purchase a sixteen hour plane ride away from home. So it's not like they have paid for everything or they are the only ones investing time, except this job/experience/trip is for me. I should be the soul provider to my own experience. It is not just my parents time I stole, past "employers" spent their free time proofreading essays, writing recommendations, and purchasing me an awesome pocket knife!

My parents pay for the boring stuff: 50 dollars in batteries, deodorant for two plus years, clean undergarments. I am more than thankful and appreciative. How can I ever show my gratitude? My mom keeps telling me I am going to miss three years of Christmas, two birthdays, and all the random gifts in between. She definitely knows how I feel about Christmas and birthday so there should be no obligation to pre-purchase gifts for these occasions especially since I do not think I am going to be able to send gifts home. Oh and she refuses to think about the chunk of money shipping it will cost to ship things I request over to Lesotho.

I have always been extremely cheap with my own money. Other cheap people I have encountered usually have no problem spending someone elses money. Not me. If my parents give me money for food and I have five dollars left over I feel obligated to give it back. All of my friends and my own two brothers consider that profit. I have definitely kept my fair share of five dollars... except instead of spending them I usually donate them. Last year my roommate and I teamed up around Christmas time to support a local charity. This year I have not made my call, I am thinking about the LC Free Clinic. The monetary donation I make usually consists of whatever I collect from my parents times two, I match whatever I collect. It would be a tad selfish to make a donation in my name with all my parents money. I am not perfect, some of that money definitely goes straight in my pocket for my next Moe's outing.

In my cheapness for all I love trying to save for others too (especially my mom)! I find pleasure teaching her when it is good to stock up and when it is bad. Cutting coupons, helping maximize. She is naturally a pretty good spender and actually a decent coupon user, but she is all about connivence. That being said she probably gets super annoyed when I make her return $3.24 worth of notebooks to Target or make her return batteries and then jump over to Costco because I found a better deal. I feel like I am enforcing my ways upon her. Plus, she paid for the batteries with her own money. I am guessing she does not care about getting the extra four batteries at Costco for the same price.

I did not really touch on the time. Rest assured they have spent way over their fair share of time planning, banking, shopping, and listening. Not too mention my sweet mom is going to drive me to Philadelphia, PA so I can avoid flying!

Not everyone wants to live like me, I can accept that. I just can't help it. I am guilty. Mom and Pops, thanks and I am sorry!