The Rebuilding

I had this illusion of my future and the Peace Corps was the key to it. I would join the Peace Corps after college, serve the two (or more) years and then I would be able to either get a job with them or another government agency through this connection, eventually winding up in grad school. This is why I could not quit on Lesotho during the tough moments, or when my health began to suffer. The Peace Corps was my way of contributing, to see the world, to help other people, to help the environment, to educate children, and to make a difference--regardless how small. This is what mattered most to me, serving was following my passion. So when T.C.M. was killed, I not only lost my friend in a terrible way, and almost my own life, but I lost a future. This is an unbearable lost, most people can not fathom. But this is what happened to me. And this is why it's so hard to see everyone moving on--I haven't been able to pursue the future I planned. I know this was not in my control. T.C.M.'s death and Peace Corps acting in my "best interest" threw me far from my track. This is (now) my life. This is my (new) future. And it's more. Many days, I feel as though I am living for two. In the back of my mind, whip-tee-do, I may have lost a future, well T.C.M. lost his life. I must forge on for both of us. It's the only life I have from here on out. I will always have bad days. There will be nights I can't sleep. There will always be time I need to cry and feel miserable and sad and depressed. That's never going to go completely away. No one, T.C.M. least of all, wants me to give up on my goals and dreams and live a life that doesn't make me happy and fulfilled. Easier said then done--it's hard to move on, to find a job, to leave my parent's house, to go through the motions of the day when I would rather be locked in a room alone upset. But it's what I have to do. I have to keep applying and applying and applying until I land a job. And even if it's not the one I want, it's a start. A way to renew life again. A way to reconnect.

There is hardly anyone in my circle who can relate. And, I hope they will never be able to. What I went through was terrible. And knowing I will never completely recover is scary. But I can't let my bad days or weeks rule my future. That will turn into bad years, and a bad life. I will never stop grieving, but recognize I need to push through the grief, and the pain, and the loneliness, or it will consume everyday. I have a good start at this. I pick up random jobs and visit friends... despite not feeling immediate relief from either activity.

For the past four months, and honestly much of the last year, I have had extreme difficulty relating to the majority of my friends. I am not sure they have noticed. I see myself as a soundboard--someone for them to bounce their tales off--in our conversations. They occasionally succeed in making me laugh, sharing in their annoyance with society, or getting me to discuss a hot-topic.

My friends are content. They're employed in their fields of passion. They are busy pursuing advanced degrees. They are this and that. And I am not. I strive to be each and every friends biggest supporter; I love these people, but keeping up with 13 regular phone calls is draining--not to mention the other ones in between. Though they continually ask how I am doing, it comes off quick and easy--similar to the way one would ask their neighbor when both parties happened to cross paths outside the home. These friendships, which have been building for as much as eight years, are faltering. 

After moving, you quickly learn friendship is not eternal. I am okay with letting go; not entirely of friendships--but of releasing myself from the old me persona. I have to, it's time. In all honestly, it's past time. I can no longer feign interest. I can no longer pretend to relate. These wonderful people came into my life, each friend more incredible and incomparable than the last. I do not want them to wait for me, wait for a time, wait for a friendship that is not returning to normal.

Most friends are for seasons... few are for life. Love it of leave it.