What If

What if I had never joined Peace Corps? What if T.C.M. and I had never met? What if T.C.M. had never been killed in front of me? What if I had finished my service in Lesotho? What if I had never went to Ghana? What if I had not been medically separated from Ghana? What if I never got a parasite? What if these nightmares never go away? What if my luggage had made it safely back? What if Peace Corps cared about me as a person? What if I remain a spectacle to the media? What if I had never moved back to South Carolina? What if I never find a job? What if I never start to feel again? What if the rest of life is just going through the motions? What if these migraines and stomach aches stay with me the rest of my life? What if something terrible happens... again?

Two years ago today, I picked up my life and sealed my heart for Lesotho. I bid a tearful goodbye to both my parents... and joined 28 people, who shared at least one common bond with me, in a hotel conference room in Philadelphia's historic district. Together, we sat through orientation, spent the night getting to know one another, and in the wee hours of the morning, boarded a bus to John F. Kennedy International Airport, and finally a plane to Lesotho via Johannesburg, South Africa. The memories began building that night... and continue to this day. So the answer to one of my many 'what if's' is I would be without the volunteers I came to know through this experience, the connections made through these volunteers, and my rural mountainside living adventure. And that would be unfortunate, but okay.

Because, today, two years later, sans the bureaucratic garbage, I can all but guarantee I would be a better person. I would, first off, be happy and, second, employed or in grad school. Sure, I would have given up on a dream, but, unknowingly, be less damaged then living the nightmare. I would be the person I left, with many of the friends I had, instead of a phantom of my former self feigning interest in dwindling relationships. And even though that person lacked self-confidence and hated more than she loved, I liked that girl a lot. I might be 'stuck' with the mentality of my 22-year old self, which is probably not ideal... but that would be okay; I could make that work.

Before I left I valued happiness. I didn't need a 'rock-the-boat' night, in turn, a wasted two-year experience, to teach me how to work for happiness. I didn't need to be stripped entirely of control, to learn to manage my control issues. I didn't need to see the pain, work through the loss, and rebuild entirely new beliefs. In this season, I'm angry; I'm not able to care about anything the way I used to... I'm cold and mean... and know it. And when I have the best of intentions, they fail me. This was not my thought process a few months ago, and it may not be five years from now, and that will be okay.

This is today. May this not be tomorrow.