The Verdict

Some lessons in life are harder than others. There are many reasons why I feel like I set my self up for failure in this one. My heart is in Lesotho. That might be hard to believe after reading some of the stories on my blog. I guarantee you, however, it's true. I made a promise to myself, the country and the people of Lesotho to dedicate 27 months of my life to creating what I hoped was a better future for the individuals of Lesotho. I was also encouraged by the sense of adventure and the numberous traits I learned about myself. In less than a minute all of that was taken away from me. In my 23 years on this planet I can honestly say it's been the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I don't feel like myself AT ALL. You can't put a timeline on the healing process, but geez after 40 plus days you think one would be up for a night on the town... or embracing all those American ways I claimed to miss so much. Each day gets easier with time. Right now, I really wish I could speed up time.

Yesterday I was medically cleared for Lesotho and was counting down my final three counseling sessions. I was feeling up to the challenge. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I felt like Lesotho was where I belonged. My friends and family have been more supportive than I could have ever imagined. I never planned on coming home during my service. I thought it would make going back really difficult, but I consider myself a relatively strong person. I was forced to come home (and trust me, I do realize the importance of being at home) and still eager to go back, after all my fears I would never return.

Everything seemed to be lining up, no news seemed like good news. This morning I had a phonecall with the Country Director in Lesotho who broke the news to me, I would not be returning to Lesotho. Peace Corps does not feel confident in guaranteeing my safety during the remaining 16 months of service. I broke into tears. I sobbed like a basket case for the next two hours. I took a break in all the meetings and headed over to Starbucks for some coffee and alone time to process the news on this incredibly gloomy DC day... where I proceeded break down, again (in public, embarrassing story #904 since 09.03.10, especially for all of you who know how much I love emotions). I am heartbroken. I had plans with T.C.M. taken away. I coped (am coping), and now this is round two. The vacations I had planned (and deserve!!!) with my parents in November and friends in December are now simply dreams. I can't catch a break.

My counselor was right, I should have been more flexible. I put all my eggs in a basket; they all cracked. I felt like Lesotho was the right place for me at this time and now Lesotho is not even an option. Grad school doesn't sound right, looking for a job sounds terrible, going to a new country seems impossible. I am stuck in pause mode while watching all my friends and family live there lives. Obviously I want them to keep chugging along in the marathon on life, not being a part of it is what is killing me.