The guilt is already setting in for typing yet another depressing blog post and I haven't even really begun to type. I want to continue to write during this time of grieving because I hope to remember my Peace Corps service in full, and this is sadly a reality of my experience. The only expectations I had of my service were to experience my highest highs and lowest lows. Unfortunately, for me (and everyone involved) my lowest low came in the loss of a dear friend.
That being said I wish I could express to the world how much I miss my friend. The coversations, adventures, and everything else he brought into my life. I am not known for being particularly fond of the volunteers, but he was so incredibly different than all the rest. I admired the work he did, the confidence he carried himself with, and most of all his spirit. I knew he would be around in my life forever. That was one sappy sentence. He would want me to be happy. More so than ever I am envious of the lifestyle he pursued and as a person I want to embody those same ideas. If that is what I want, why can't I get there? Some days are good and I believe I am bouncing back, but even on my best days I still have no desire to do the simplest tasks. When I do pick up the phone to call my friends or touch base with anyone it seemingly fails. I just had one of the driest conversations with someone I would consider a close, if not my closest friend. We had NOTHING to talk about and eventually it got awkward enough I ended the conversation. Literally, no explanation. I don't even know what to say (to anyone, even my trusty computer). I have all these emotions of emptiness, lonliness, unhappiness running through my head... nothing is forming coherant thoughts.
A huge part of me must have been taken with the loss of T.C.M. and now it is as though NO ONE gets me. A lot of this is probably a figment of my imagination. There is a high chance my friend didn't think the conversation was dull at all. Well that is great minus the fact where it only makes me feel more insane.
What I want most is to get on with life--stop sitting around my parents house facebooking and acting worthless. At the same time I am scared about the new experiences both Ghana and Tanzania will provide, maybe not returning to Lesotho was a sign to 'give up' and find life fullfiling elsewhere. EXCEPT I have zero form of closure. T.C.M. and Lesotho are on my mind ALL the time. I don't want to be here, but I am not positive I want to be either of those places.
I am not sure what the leave date is for either country. To pass time I am considering taking a long weekend somewhere in the Northeast alone. A solo vacation has me a tad uneasy, but getting away to clear my thoughts could be healing in a different way. I remember all the time pre event I had in Lesotho to reflect on life. Too much, I'm sure. Here it's not like that, everyone thinks for me: my parents, my brothers, the counselor, PC staff, my friends. I know they want the best for me, though no one truly knows what that is.
I am sure the loss of T.C.M. is supposed to awaken some big self-discovery. How long till I find it? At the same time, believe me, I passed the phase of searching for answers. I'm sitting, waiting, wishing for forward motion to feel normal.
A few friends want me to come down to visit before I leave (again) and I think it would be healthy. I need to go, it's the right thing to do. I just don't want to go, only because I don't want to pretend! I literally have bounched from the couch to the computer all day. I did not even go outside to smell the crisp fall air. It's 11:09 PM and thinking about my hermit like behavior makes me a little nauseous... still even that does not bring enough motivation for tomorrow.
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