"In the book of life, the answers aren't always in the back" Charlie Brown

I have an amazing group of supporters. Everyone has stood by my side to teach, provide insight, inspiration, and impart wisdom. Friends and family have been patient and understanding. You have called to simply touch base, see if I need anything. Neighbors have brought an abundance of desserts. All the offers has been well intentioned and sadly exhausting. I haven't written (emailed) so many of you back because I can't muster up the courage, energy, or strength a half decent response would require. I am overwhelmed with your support and want you to know how much I am thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life. You have been over the top generous, please know how appreciative I am (though it may not seem that way). I know you don't know what to say, simply knowing you are there is perfect.

My least favorite statement throughout all of this has been, "Everything happens for a reason." I realize this statement probably brings so many comfort and comfort is what everyone is trying to provide. For me, it opens a huge can of worms... why? A question I will never know the answer too. You can wonder who played that role in a movie and quickly find your answer on the internet. Stomach aches can be pinned on something you ate for lunch, and headaches are often a result of stress. This is completely beyond that realm. As I try to ride this wave in order to move forward I continually endure the pain of an unanswered question, "Why, why, why... Him? Me? In Lesotho? On my dad's birthday?"

There are days where I am overcome with emotions, particularly when seeing the larger picture; I am alive. I have an amazing family, beautiful friends, and a strong family of Peace Corps friends who have stood behind me throughout this experience. I'm employed (with the best health care ever!!!) and have a shelter over my head no matter where I am (in Lesotho, a hotel in DC, and a house I am welcomed into by my parents in the suburbs). It is my job to get healthy, regardless of the amount of time this takes. This, I realize, is a tremendous luxury.

My thoughts aren't clear. I have memories I am prepared for and visions that totally throw me off, completely unexpected. When I do talk to friends, sometimes I feel like I talk incessantly about me, me, me. I hang up with disgust, feeling empty and lost. But you guys keep calling, regularly offering to visit or simply chat-it-up (as R.D.S. would say). Talk about a broken record, you guys are relentless. Your sympathy and support lifts my spirit. I will never be able to understand your tolerance. I am lagging in each conversation. My train of thought is up, down, all around.

I never wanted to experience the dark side of our society. The darkest part of society I knew was all those nonbelievers tossing recyclables into trash cans, allowing their children to fall to the waste side, and lacking compassion for a global world. I wish I knew what to say to all of you, nothing seems right. Thank you? I am sorry? You are my rocks. You have held me up, been fully behind me each step of the way. I'll get through this, and by that I mean we'll be back to saving the world when the time is right.