An extension of my emotions...

I can't pinpoint an emotion to describe the past couple of weeks. Relating to others pain, talking to my friends about life, having in depth converstaions with H.J.W. on where we go from here, and opening up to a complete stranger in counseling; it's all brand new. I can say everything else in life will probably seem like cake walk if I get through this, obviously I will... that goes without question. Time is working against me. I want to fast forward to a happier place, but I know if I do I won't ever truly heal. I need to go through this phase of bereavement in order to do basic tasks again: walk alone at night, not mistake loud noises for gunshots, feel comfortable being me.

The first phase of all of this was accepting T.C.M. is no longer here. I am still coping with that and imagine I will be for quite sometime. He will always be a part of my life, in a slightly different way than he was before. I prepared myself to hop on a plane this weekend bound for 16 more months in Lesotho when another curve ball was tossed my way. The heartbreaking news I am not returning and the fact it was not up for debate. Right when I was starting to feel more like myself, getting excited to call friends and bid them farewell (again), smiling about the simple pleasures in life, and ready to tackle to next challenge life had to offer. What is life without a few road blocks?

Instead of striking out and waiting for my next turn in the line-up I wanted to be benched. It would be easier to give up. I can make the best of the situation, but I'd rather throw a pity party for myself. My true character is/has been revealed in a mighty ugly way. I am beating myself up, yet see no other options.