Lowest Lows

It could not be more appropriate that last Wednesday I wrote about Lesotho (Africa) Lite. I knew all of Lesotho could not be as well off as my village. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride since then. I will try to catch you up to speed. Buckle up. Despite having two back-to-back three days weeks (thank you sports, thank you spread out high schools) the past two weeks have been painstakingly long. The seconds could not possibly move any slower than they seemed to be moving. Following the long short week Thursday I was off to Katse for a birthday celebration. The day started at 3 AM when I woke up sweating and anxious. I could not tell if I was excited for the weekend as I was going to get to see volunteers I had not seen since Easter or if my body was totally exhausted signally me to stay home and spend the next four days in bed. At five I got a two hour phone call from R.D.S. and that seemed to rejuvenate me. I threw some things in a bag and headed to the taxi rank. As luck would have it I was strolling up and the kombi was pulling away. I was not in any mood to go back home and hang around for the two o’clock bus. Hitching it was. In six hours with three different rides I managed to make it to Katse (2.5 hours north of me). I have hitched before, never alone and never the entire distance. Two-in one, money saved, an impressed self.

Katse was fun, nothing extraordinary. Lots of delicious food, I won lots of snooker, good company, and late nights/early mornings. On Sunday I was more than ready to get home. I was dirty, exhausted, and did not feel that great. Lesotho transport was not having that. This happened to be one of those Sundays were there simply was no transportation heading back to town. We (at this point J.W.M. and R.E.R. were with me) could have waited around for a hitch, but we were not in the mood. That meant another night at T.C.M.’s house, not what the doctor ordered. Plus, we ran him out of electricity during the four day weekend so movies on laptops were limited and everything was going to be done by candlelight.

Monday we got up at 4:30 AM to catch the 5:00 AM bus home, except now that it is winter the bus did not come until 6:00 AM (they only run in light). That was convenient considering it was FREEZING outside. I was back in town at 8:15 AM, meaning I could have made it to school by nine. Only that is the LAST place I wanted to be. I could not tell you why. Part of me felt guilty, lame, and weak for not wanting to go to school, but at the same time, the other part of me felt nothing. Walking in the direction of school made me nauseous so with slight convincing from J.W.M. I turned around and walked home. Both J.W.M. and R.E.R. accompanied me that way. Immediately upon arriving at my hut I crawled in bed and I did not get out until half past three. Together we watched District Nine, Happy Potter Two, Four Christmases. R.E.R. left. J.W.M. and I proceeded to watch 13 episodes of Will & Grace. My brain and body were dead to the world.

I had all intention of going to school on Tuesday but I could not force myself to go. I was beginning to feel super guilty, totally lame, and exceptionally weak. Had I hit rock bottom? Was I depressed? Was it time to quit? Thankfully J.W.M. was here to cook some home-made food and keep me company because otherwise I would be on a plane ride home. For the most part I am relatively emotionless (well at least a lot of my friends think so) but the past two days I have undergone a tornado of fully mixed emotions. I could not deal with the stress of this life anymore. How can I be on top of the world one day and drowning in emotions the next? Am I too young for this? Maybe if I knew the problem I could fix it. I am sure it is a combination of lots of things, things that will not stop beating me up.

I have never been good at sitting still, which only had me more worried about my Monday of bed rest. Usually when I am stressed it helps to clean. Tuesday I scrubbed my entire hut (although nothing is really ever clean without cleaning supplies) from top to bottom and then got back in bed and watched 11 more episodes of Will & Grace. We went for a walk and then J.W.M. left. I tried to pull myself together, except there was still no way I going to school on Wednesday.

Middle sister knocked on my door around six. I was already in bed, that is how pathetic I had become. I ignored the knocking but the door was unlocked so she came in anyways. Her nose was raw and running out of control, her eyes were watering like a fountain. She did not feel good. She looked really sick, she was really sick. As if I did not feel guilty enough about my mental health days, my sick sister was all it took. She was miserable but she was still here for her tutoring session. I called off tutoring for the night, gave her a brownie, and we talked. We talked about an assortment of things but it was her comment about how much everyone at school missed me that really struck a cord with me. “I know you do not feel better and your family missed you but we love you and need you here when you are lonely (direct quote),” she said. Stab. Deeper. And deeper. I definitely feel loved here, then again I do not feel needed. After an hour she had me feeling like and new person and even managed to convince me to go to school on Wednesday. She battled my emotions and won… a witch doctor, perchance?