5 Years

Last Thursday, August 27, I felt an unshakable sadness. I immediately knew it was going to be a tough week. Aren't we through this phase? As anniversaries three and four passed with comparable ease, I figured five would follow this transgression--time heals. We all know what can be said about assumptions; this year feels impossible. Coming off an action-packed, fun-filled summer, how did my body and mind flip a sudden switch? It's anniversary time. The period to punish thou with lack of appetite and sleep while still actively forcing said person to assume societal duties.

Thursday night. Sunday night. Monday morning. Wednesday afternoon. Thursday morning. These have been the darkest times this past week. The times life felt heaviest. The periods where my heart felt truly broken. And the nights, all of the nights--sleep has been minimal, yet life marches on.

I do wish in times as these I could ease the pain. (Or at least ride the wave, as the majority of the calendar year I'm able to happily reflect on my Peace Corps service in Lesotho and the months I had with T.C.M.) My heart hurts--I want to shield myself and fix this nagging ache. I have such a strong urge to hide these emotions. I'm embarrassed by this sadness. It has persisted long past its welcome. I'm fine, I want to scream. While this event certainly altered the course of my life, I do believe I'm fine. Changed--for better or worse, certainly.

All I can do is keep walking and continue to attend to the business of life. September 3, 2010 did not mark my goodbye. This, sadly, was not the case for T.C.M.; he had no goodbyes. One step at a time. I confess this emotional day has my heart and mind in an anxious spiral. My heart and mind can haunt me so cruelly sometimes.  

Life can be so brutal. I cannot shield and shelter myself (or others) from the realities of love and loss. Everything living will pass away. In the case of T.C.M., far to early in his stay. Today, I'm feeling the weight of walking through the loss and managing grief as if it were raw and new.

Still missing T.C.M. Still don't think I'm the only one.

Charelston: Day 4, The Finale

There are four weeks until the marathon, until then, bear with me as running prefaces nearly all of my days. Today, I was out to explore the harbor. I ran a big loop around downtown Charleston, spending most of my time along the water for a total of seven miles. The run lasted longer than I anticipated and my friends were getting antsy. Boyfriend packed while I stretched and showered, and like that, we were out the door.

We were waiting in line when Butcher & Bee opened. Boyfriend and I each ordered a sandwich and an appetizer, all of which was divine. This was probably, next to Jeni's, the best place we visited the whole trip. From there, we traversed to City Lights for coffee. Though reading several positive reviews, I was disappointed in City Lights. There wasn't anything extraordinary about this place, except, if you're local, they give away compost. I was upset with myself for foregoing Stumptown Coffee, my absolute favorite coffee ever, brewed at Butcher & Bee. And for someone who is not a risk taker, the shame. Oh well. Boyfriend opted for Stumptown, so I actually had a little of his and a lot of my own City Lights brew.

Perhaps it can be said that I over schedule everything, including vacation, so I often joke that I do build in time for spontaneity--both on the job, in life, and while traveling. Next up, a perfect example: Tom's Toys. Here we played with Kapla blocks and awed at the museum-style exhibit of Kapla construction. We finally pulled ourselves away from the blocks following more than an hour of play. It was tough, but schedule. I took the crew for a history lesson at The Battery, which ended up involving little learning and lots of photography. Farewells were bid to the group, and the ever lucky A.J.S. was left with Boyfriend and I for two remaining stops on our Tour de Charleston. First up, a three-mile walk to Magnolia Cemetery. The weather had calmed slightly, so the walk wasn't totally miserable. Plus, we saw a lot of Charleston's finer parts on route. Culture, folks. I could have spent all day in the cemetery. That might be weird, I don't know. There's just so much wonder in a cemetery.

Afterwards, we needed refreshing drinks and Edmund's Oast, a highly touted, recently opened establishment was conveniently placed at the cemetery exit. Planning, folks. If only we didn't have a 7:45 pm flight to catch and another trip to Jeni's prior to that, Boyfriend would have been stayed here forever; he was in heaven. I was enjoying myself as I sampled the Iqhilika African Coffee Mead. We picked up Dell'z Deli for the flight home, though we ended up being too exhausted to think about food. It all worked out in the end, our fridge was empty, and Tuesday lunches were already prepared.

This trip was successful in every way.

Charleston: Day 3, A Bad Beach Day

Then, there was Sunday. Just the two of us--Boyfriend and me--at the beach amidst a lot of wind. But prior to, a 12-mile run over the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge and around the Shem Creek for old time sake. I fell in love with the Shem Creek and I wasn't ready to part with Charleston without spending some (more) time (running) along side it. I hope I made it very clear how neat the wedding venue was last night.

USS Yorktown

After a hotel breakfast, we headed back to Folly Beach. And on this not so glorious Sunday, Folly Beach was exactly the Folly Beach I remember it being--brutal wind carrying loads of sand across the beach, a ruthless undertow, and seagulls galore. So in less words, a 'hard work' beach day. I managed to finish my book, though completely doused in sand. I rinsed in the ocean, where I quickly learned I also wouldn't be lounging. Boyfriend and I opted for a long walk on the beach, since swimming and tanning were out. At this point, we were hot and sandy--coated by sand regardless of our position. We opted to make the most of the waves, walking to the pier and floating our way back to where we'd staked out for the day. This was fun for two runs until Boyfriend lost his expensive sunglasses and my appetite started talking. We certainly made the most of our final beach day before trying to find transportation back to the hotel, which turned out to also require a large effort.

My stomach was screaming for food by the time we were showered and ready to do some evening exploring. We stopped at Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams for pure decadence; dessert before dinner, yes, please. I have been hearing about this place for sometime and, turns out, a shop opened in Charleston two months prior to our visit. To which I say, perfect timing. We went there not once but twice during our short stay. I cannot recommend this place enough. There locations are limited, but if you're in their territory, do yourself a flavor and stop on in. I'll be visiting Jeni's on my upcoming trip to Chicago, for sure. And I've sent my Atlanta-based brother to his local Jeni's for goodness already.

From there, we headed to the Bay Street Biergarten for drinks and socializing with the friends we’d “neglected” all day. The windy beach brought wonderful temperatures to the downtown area, so--my stomach still screaming for food--my friends closed their tab and we rode in a golf cart to Henry's Bar and Restaurant for a rooftop dinner. I don't recommend Bay Street Biergarten or Henry's, however, what these places lacked, the company made up for it.

The night continued at Henry’s, until I--sooner than most--finally called it quits. With another successful day of travel under my belt, I refused to set the alarm on our final day of vacation.

Charleston: Day 2

Our second day began with breakfast and coffee at Wildflower Pastry. This didn't make my "original" to visit list, however, it was in close proximity to the hotel and I'm easily convinced in the direction of pastries. The scones were fabulous (and actually filling, too). We were joined by three of my favorites: A.J.S., K.A.B., and S.D.G. As we munched, we reminisced and it was fabulous. Afterwards, I picked up sunscreen and this crew minus one headed for Folly Beach. It was another scorcher and I can't imagine being anywhere but the beach. We spent all of five minutes on our towels because the ocean bath water was more tolerable. Later, we were joined by some friends. And we continued, splashing and playing catch and laughing and riding "waves" until it was time to pack up and head back downtown.

Showers ensued. And snack time. And a bit of pleasure reading, as that time was missed on the beach.

Then it was wedding time, so we walked towards our pick-up spot and joined all of our nicely dressed friends. We learned from those who check email on vacation, the dress code was changed to "heat wave chic" to accommodate the relentless sun. The wedding crowd was bussed over to Cottage on the Creek on Mount Pleasant. And the venue ranks highly in my list. It almost made me want to have a wedding. Almost, Mom. Right there in on the Shem Creek. We sipped (more) cocktails as the sun set around us. I'm such a sucker for sun sets... and we lucked out with a true beauty. There was Southern food for dinner. As soon as the plates were cleared, we were up dancing. And we danced until the bar and music were shut down, which seemed like only seconds.

There were dolphins (though I'm lacking photographic evidence), kayakers galore, and a floating hot dog boat on the Shem Creek. 

I opted out of the after party because sleep.

Charleston, South Carolina: Day 1

May I preface vacation with the 'apartment to myself' time I was granted while Boyfriend was off with his boyfriend drinking all things carbonated. I crave alone time. I also crave relaxation, something I haven't quite mastered in my time on earth. After completing all the pre-vacation essentials, I read before blissfully crashing in bed, the only form of relaxing I know. There could be more of these nights.

After arriving in Charleston, South Carolina late on Thursday night, I refused to my alter my 6:00 am running agenda because it was slotted to be a true to form August day (i.e., SO very hot and humid). I ran to Charles Town Landing, where I wanted to spend the day exploring; there were birds galore at this early hour. I snapped a few photos and continued on my way, clocking in at a nice eight minute mile pace for the course of eight miles. If Charleston is hot and humid, it's also as flat as a pancake. Amen. Enough about running, there's a full day of activity is on the docket to report. 

First up, Kudu Coffee & Craft Beer. I sat down with my iced coffee at 9:30 am, while Boyfriend perused the beer menu until beer was being sold, half an hour after my purchase. We sipped happily in vacation mode, while people watching and reviewing the day's agenda. From coffee (and beer), we wandered up King Street, the shopping mecca of Charleston, to Two Boroughs Larder for breakfast. In route, we spotted Glazed Gourmet Doughnuts and had to stop in. The donuts were supreme and we were gifted a free donut, hooray! We actually made way to our breakfast stop after the donuts appetizer, where shortly after we were joined by several of our friends, the early arrivers. The breakfast sandwiches were delightful. And I ate my heart into merriment.

We lingered at breakfast for some time before heading to City Market for browsing. The temperature was over 100 degrees at this point and the heat index read even higher. While I was ready to stroll The Battery at an easy pace, the group voted for cold drinks at Southend Brewery & Smokehouse. I surrendered to group mentality. Maturity.

Afterwards, I needed lunch or dinner so we stopped in a Brown Dog Deli, where it was ultimately hard to choose from the sandwiches options that sounded all kinds of good. Boyfriend and I narrowed our choices to two, splitting the Apple "Butter" Jeans and a corned beef sandwich, of which the name I'm blanking on. We opted to walk to the hostel, after kindly being told I eat too much, while the rest of the crew opted for an Uber, following this meal. The walk was hot but the streets of Charleston are so quaint and I wanted to make sure Boyfriend saw all of them before we left on Monday, even if it was a bazillion percent humid.

At this point, it was time--the reason for our being in Charleston--for the Peace Corps Lesotho Education 2010 Reunion to commence. We were actually there to celebrate S.L.P. and E.L.P.'s nuptial; they quite graciously invited our entire Ed '10 Class (plus a few stragglers from classes behind ours), hence... a the reunion. We mingled over cocktails on the Not So Hostel balcony, while the last of the group trickled in. At 8:00 pm, we met the Bride and Groom at Warehouse for appetizers and more spirits. I had a cocktail that seemed as though it was made specifically for me, titled Employees Only. All I remember is there was jalapeno tequila and a fruit roll-up flower inside each glass of heaven.

At midnight to the dismay of the group, I made a clean escape for bed.

FOUR Years

This is a post I forced myself to write. As this blog is truly rooted in my grieving process, I would be remiss to not acknowledge the fourth anniversary of T.C.M.'s passing.

I'm done grieving, as far as the process goes; I accepted T.C.M.'s death, though I'm not sure I followed the five stages in order. There are still moments of anger and phases of depression. Most days though, I’m smiling again. And I’ve been doing so for some time. These past couple months have allowed me to perceive exactly what that means.

Four year ago, I–with the rest of the world–lost him. While it's nice to be beyond the heartbreak, living a simple life doesn't seem enough. As mentioned, I'm not entirely all right. I'm mostly all right. But those moments where I am overcome with emotion, they feel so defining. And that's not fair. I don't want to be defined by an incident. I don't want to skate around particular dates–February 15, T.C.M.'s birthday; my own birthday; the dreaded September 3; or even the holidays. I want to live freely, not under the reign of grief. These times can occur outside the above predictability. There are times I’m commuting to work and reminded of T.C.M. in a random song lyric. I don't often down right lose it anymore, but I can be thrown off my tracks and forced to fight to 'right' the rest of the day. And honestly, it's not just these darker moments; I can be overcome with grief when I feel happy in the silliest moments. It's the realization these times do not exist for T.C.M. any longer. These times stopped on September 3, 2010. That still kills me.

But then, I can see how far I've journeyed, how I've allowed my life to progress when his has stopped. This year (and prior to the third anniversary) was tough. I'm not sure these anniversaries accurately reflect where I am on a day-to-day basis. Last year, I was preparing to return to Lesotho to testify in the High Court. The case progressed for five days and was eventually delayed until November, at which point I was given a 'green flag' to travel home to the states. The postponed date was further pushed to February 2015 and eventually until September, later this month. So with that in progress, it’s often hard to think of anything else.

I'm not necessarily awaiting justice. Because, again, I've accepted T.C.M.'s death, without justice. I let go of that a long, long time ago. Accepting was one of the first things I did. I couldn't stand the thought of my short service being tarnished by one individual when I felt loved and protected by the whole of Basotho Nation. When I felt loved and protected by him.

Most recently, there’s been a lot of news coming out of Lesotho regarding a coup, which is horribly upsetting. This is so unlike Lesotho. And naturally, like the unlikely murder of a Peace Corps Volunteer, this is occurring during the dark period. I'm almost certain it will effect the impending court date. So we'll keep waiting and those on the prosecution team will keep fighting.

Life and grief and loss and pain can be so isolating. It doesn't have to be, though. There are so many people, together, that care about T.C.M. eternally. And those who have cared for me and walked this walk with me. 

 

I miss T.C.M. And I don’t think I’m the only one.   

I am 27.

Family and friends, thank you for making “my day” wonderful. And by day, I mean extended weekend. Because I started celebrating on Thursday. At this point, I think I have 27 things to be thankful for, potentially more. My coworkers kicked off the party by treating me to lunch at Nando’s, where we dined on all things Peri-Peri flame-grilled chicken. After lunch I was further spoiled with cupcakes. While my peers were not quite willing to swap meals for desserts—my original birthday request was for donuts, ice cream, or pie, they still willingly satisfied my sweet tooth with Red Velvet Cupcakery.

As we moved one day closer to my birthday, I was one of four people (on my team) at the office. After refusing yet another lunch, my coworker—the same one who already paid for my cupcake—treated me to Starbucks. We all know my undying love for all things coffee, especially Starbucks! Free Starbucks! She was not satisfied with my standard—‘boring and lame’—Tall Iced Coffee order, upgrading me to a Grand Iced Latte. Thou shall not complain.

When the weekend eventually came… Boyfriend and I headed to Rice Paper to begin things right. The meal was spectacular as always. We lamented about the time that has passed since our last visit and how we will not, under any circumstance, allow for that to occur moving forward. I essentially ate myself into a food comma because I was passed out on the coach prior to 9:00 pm while God Loves Uganda played in the background.

My (actual) birthday was upon us. And it was time to celebrate, first with donuts! The clock struck 6:34 am… and I put my walking shoes on. Before I hit the door, Boyfriend wanted to fool-proof our plan to grab coffee at Filter Coffeehouse, then walk and pause for donuts at three close-ish shops. Walk. Sip. Eat. Repeat until Astro Donuts & Fried Chicken, Golden Brown Delicious (GBD), and Woodward Takeout Food (WTF) were all accounted for. This is when he learned Astro Donuts & Fried Chicken opens at 9:00 am, GBD unlocks at 10:00 am, and WTF is closed on weekends. Since I had plans to meet my parents at the Fish Market around the time of GBD’s opening, I “settled” for a Heidelberg Pastry Shoppe, an Arlington establishment with respectable hours and a decent location. There were pastries of all kinds. When I finished my admiring and roaming, I no longer felt as though I was settling. I purchased four donuts. (I had to make up for Boyfriends pathetic order—one donut. Fact: He’s not a morning eater.) We got home, plated them. And I began my feast.

I made a quick trip to the farmers’ market after neglecting it for most of the summer. And also because I wanted to replicated the Baltimore Farmers’ Market and Bazaar experience from previous weekend in my backyard. This was mostly pretend play; my market has nothing on Baltimore. I purchased some pretty zucchini to perpetuate my love for Mel. And some peaches because I have not had fruit in days and my body is going into shock as a result. Just as the humidity increased, it was then time to board Metro for the Maine Avenue Fish Market. My parents met us moments after our arrival and shopping ensued. We were an indecisive bunch, ultimately deciding on two dozen Chincoteague oysters and a whole Red Snapper. I also thought an entire pound of ceviche was a good idea. We prepared a hefty meal and dined as though it were Thanksgiving at 1:00 pm on an August afternoon.

The eating continued at the wine and cheese party Boyfriend and I attended later that afternoon. S.A.K. brought donuts and A.J.S. made Nutella-Stuffed Brown Butter + Sea Salt Chocolate Chip Cookies to commemorate the occasion. (Of note, A.J.S. also made wheat thins. Also of note, she cooked about as much popcorn (and nothing else) as I did in Peace Corps. Oh—together—how far we’ve come!) Boyfriend and I partied WAY later than I intended, which meant I essentially went straight to the unmade bed I left at 6:34 am when I awoke.

I rose bright and early on Sunday to run forever before Six Flags. I was glad to have that crossed off the list first thing. In ever the rush, I stretched as Boyfriend packed our bag. Then we took off for the park, where we proceeded to spend the rest of the day in waterslide and rollercoaster glory. The day was awesome, although l-o-n-g. And altogether a grand success, especially considering we were not among the 24 unlucky passengers stranded on the Joker’s Jinx for hours.

To close the weekend, I lasted about three innings of the final game of the Atlanta Braves/Washington Nationals series before calling it a night. There was no need to sacrifice sleep in the name of poor baseball. First thing this morning—to my delight, I learned the Braves won. My birthday twin, Jason Heyward, did not receive a 'W' on our day (after a grueling three-hour and 41-minute rain delay and an extra innings loss); he did, however, take the birthday weekend series-win from our division rivals following an eight-game skid. We might indeed still have the Nationals' card.

Another workweek and year have arrived; Monday and 27 feel one and the same.