5 Years

Last Thursday, August 27, I felt an unshakable sadness. I immediately knew it was going to be a tough week. Aren't we through this phase? As anniversaries three and four passed with comparable ease, I figured five would follow this transgression--time heals. We all know what can be said about assumptions; this year feels impossible. Coming off an action-packed, fun-filled summer, how did my body and mind flip a sudden switch? It's anniversary time. The period to punish thou with lack of appetite and sleep while still actively forcing said person to assume societal duties.

Thursday night. Sunday night. Monday morning. Wednesday afternoon. Thursday morning. These have been the darkest times this past week. The times life felt heaviest. The periods where my heart felt truly broken. And the nights, all of the nights--sleep has been minimal, yet life marches on.

I do wish in times as these I could ease the pain. (Or at least ride the wave, as the majority of the calendar year I'm able to happily reflect on my Peace Corps service in Lesotho and the months I had with T.C.M.) My heart hurts--I want to shield myself and fix this nagging ache. I have such a strong urge to hide these emotions. I'm embarrassed by this sadness. It has persisted long past its welcome. I'm fine, I want to scream. While this event certainly altered the course of my life, I do believe I'm fine. Changed--for better or worse, certainly.

All I can do is keep walking and continue to attend to the business of life. September 3, 2010 did not mark my goodbye. This, sadly, was not the case for T.C.M.; he had no goodbyes. One step at a time. I confess this emotional day has my heart and mind in an anxious spiral. My heart and mind can haunt me so cruelly sometimes.  

Life can be so brutal. I cannot shield and shelter myself (or others) from the realities of love and loss. Everything living will pass away. In the case of T.C.M., far to early in his stay. Today, I'm feeling the weight of walking through the loss and managing grief as if it were raw and new.

Still missing T.C.M. Still don't think I'm the only one.