FOUR Years

This is a post I forced myself to write. As this blog is truly rooted in my grieving process, I would be remiss to not acknowledge the fourth anniversary of T.C.M.'s passing.

I'm done grieving, as far as the process goes; I accepted T.C.M.'s death, though I'm not sure I followed the five stages in order. There are still moments of anger and phases of depression. Most days though, I’m smiling again. And I’ve been doing so for some time. These past couple months have allowed me to perceive exactly what that means.

Four year ago, I–with the rest of the world–lost him. While it's nice to be beyond the heartbreak, living a simple life doesn't seem enough. As mentioned, I'm not entirely all right. I'm mostly all right. But those moments where I am overcome with emotion, they feel so defining. And that's not fair. I don't want to be defined by an incident. I don't want to skate around particular dates–February 15, T.C.M.'s birthday; my own birthday; the dreaded September 3; or even the holidays. I want to live freely, not under the reign of grief. These times can occur outside the above predictability. There are times I’m commuting to work and reminded of T.C.M. in a random song lyric. I don't often down right lose it anymore, but I can be thrown off my tracks and forced to fight to 'right' the rest of the day. And honestly, it's not just these darker moments; I can be overcome with grief when I feel happy in the silliest moments. It's the realization these times do not exist for T.C.M. any longer. These times stopped on September 3, 2010. That still kills me.

But then, I can see how far I've journeyed, how I've allowed my life to progress when his has stopped. This year (and prior to the third anniversary) was tough. I'm not sure these anniversaries accurately reflect where I am on a day-to-day basis. Last year, I was preparing to return to Lesotho to testify in the High Court. The case progressed for five days and was eventually delayed until November, at which point I was given a 'green flag' to travel home to the states. The postponed date was further pushed to February 2015 and eventually until September, later this month. So with that in progress, it’s often hard to think of anything else.

I'm not necessarily awaiting justice. Because, again, I've accepted T.C.M.'s death, without justice. I let go of that a long, long time ago. Accepting was one of the first things I did. I couldn't stand the thought of my short service being tarnished by one individual when I felt loved and protected by the whole of Basotho Nation. When I felt loved and protected by him.

Most recently, there’s been a lot of news coming out of Lesotho regarding a coup, which is horribly upsetting. This is so unlike Lesotho. And naturally, like the unlikely murder of a Peace Corps Volunteer, this is occurring during the dark period. I'm almost certain it will effect the impending court date. So we'll keep waiting and those on the prosecution team will keep fighting.

Life and grief and loss and pain can be so isolating. It doesn't have to be, though. There are so many people, together, that care about T.C.M. eternally. And those who have cared for me and walked this walk with me. 

 

I miss T.C.M. And I don’t think I’m the only one.