New Year, Same Emotions

Clean slates, open ended-ness, no plans, fresh starts--I'm a big fan. Normally when the New Year begins I am set with a bunch of goals, tasks, strategies for the next year. They all normally fall along these basic lines: be healthy, smile, be independent, maintain relationships, try something new, purge, no regrets, love the earth.

This year, it's as though nothing matters. First off, it's mid February and I'm just now getting around to collecting my ideas. For someone with too many opinions, it's quite rare I go this length of time without sharing them. I'm more indecisive than I've ever been. I'm bitter. Some days I'm disgustingly angry. I'm disappointed, let down. I'm incomplete. I'm jealous. And I don't feel completely there. I'm successfully putting on a good front BUT what if, what if I crumble? And even worse, what if it happens in public? Oh.My.GOD. That would be the WORSE-THING-EVER. It's fun to be dramatic.

More than ever I want to regain my go-go-go productive lifestyle. Happy. Fun. Loving. Interested. Environmentalist. Humanitarian. Active. Healthy. Please let those be the character traits that define me, not the Eeyore I see myself as at this moment in time. Throw me a bone and by that, I mean freedom from my ties to Peace Corps and the end of 2010.

Instead of my clean calendar, there was a fourth and fifth month anniversary of his death complimented shortly after by his birthday, a temper tantrum (at 23!), missing my Ma's birthday, mixed up luggage from Lesotho, a lingering parasite, and per usual, all my teams continually disappointing me. On a positive note I have been able to reunite with several close friends and start a job. I was able to slowly transition into the new job thanks to a snow/ice storm in the Southeast.

Life in Africa has taught me to remain calm in situations outside my control, but when everything in my life seems beyond my control it's hard not to interject. I don't feel like I'm sitting around feeling totally sorry for myself. I'm doing what I can to accept the temporary cards I've been dealt. In the competitive society we live in it doesn't feel good enough. My friends are working career jobs, discovering new cities, and knee deep in grad school while I'm essentially passing time.

I am happy I can still find the positive when my life seems pathetic. Back to my alma matter... to nanny? Still no place to call my own, but a loving family who has taken me in as one of their own. If for the time being I can't have the my dream job in an amazing city, or better yet, a national park then I at least want to reciprocate the love I been shown. I want to be at the next level--constant laughter, expressing appreciation, thought-provoking conversations, and leaving a positive impact on the world (or at least pretending too).